St Leonard's College | Independent School Melbourne

These issues are also significantly different to when parents were at school due to technology changes, the rise of social media and the increasing age of having children. For most adults the generation gap feels enormous and when young people are in distress, parents face a large task in trying to navigate complex topics.

In my time spent working with students in crisis, you quickly find that behind each struggling student, there is a parent doing their best, but often feeling lost and needing support. So before things start to take that path, how and where can parents find trusted advice and support?

The following resources are my go-to for parents (and friends) for any parenting queries or topics of interest. They provide practical, positive information delivered by actual experts and are easy to navigate and digest.

1. SchoolTV – One of the main parenting resources that the College provides for our parent community is access to SchoolTV. It encompasses a range of videos on different parenting topics presented by leading experts. You may have even seen some of the special reports promoted through the newsletter, or the links to SchoolTV resources included in wellbeing articles. Each STL parent has access to SchoolTV and if you haven’t been on, I urge you to check it out. Access SchoolTV here.

2. Raising Children Website – Easily the most comprehensive parenting website, Raising Children is a federal government resource which has a range of articles, videos and interactive resources tailored to different ages and stages. The website takes you from nurturing a newborn to raising a confident, resilient teen – it also includes ways to help parents to look after themselves too! Their Raising Healthy Minds App is one to check out if you have children aged 0-12. Access Raising Children here.

3. REACHOUT One-on-One Support for tough times with teens – Reachout offers parents who are supporting teens through a tough time, 4 online phone coaching sessions with a parenting professional. Online sessions can help to identify effective parenting tools and develop plans and strategies to suit your particular situation. Check out Reachout’s website here.

Alongside these amazing online resources the College’s parent program also invites a range of professionals to the College each year specifically for our parent community. Sessions are delivered after the school day has ended and we endeavour to invite in speakers who provide our parents with practical information about parenting in the current climate. This year we have seen sessions around sensory regulation, safe partying for teens, thinking traps and budgeting.

This year we have also provided STL parents with access to the CyberSafety Project’s online parent webinar series. This series of seven webinars provides parents information about the digital world of our young people which they can view at home.

How many children does it take to tarnish the reputation of a school? Sadly, that is not the build up to the punchline of a joke. Sadder still, the answer is ‘not many’. As a number of colleges across the State have discovered this past term. Despicable acts by a few students saw an unrelenting spotlight on a number of schools which were otherwise doing wonderful things for large numbers of young people, day in and day out. The repulsive behaviour certainly deserved condemnation and consequences were due. However, at times, I wondered whether the media and social media pile-on was proportionate. When the Premier and Prime Minister weigh-in with comments about a disciplinary incident in a school, a Principal is left with few options for balancing punishment with rehabilitation, and juggling individual rights against a duty to protect a school’s standing in the community.

The day after one of the more egregious incidents, in which girls were ranked on a disgusting list by a handful of male students, I was having lunch with our own College Captains. “Convince me” I challenged them, “why that couldn’t happen at St Leonard’s?” Hearteningly, their answers were immediate and earnest. “Not only would our girls not stand for it, our boys wouldn’t either”, they replied. “Mixed friendship groups here are too close for anybody to think like that.” Plus “There’s so many ways to report concerns here – kids would call it out straight away”. Reassuring, but just to press the point, all of the College and House Captains then took it upon themselves to stand shoulder-to-shoulder at assemblies over the following weeks, delivering powerful speeches to Senior and Middle School students, making a public stand against misogyny and all forms of disrespect.

Whilst the wider public debate was certainly helpful in prompting conversation about the scourge of sexist behaviour that still plagues parts of our society, it often got side tracked by laments about the supposed evils of digital technology. There is no doubt that social media and the emergence of AI apps played a part in those high-profile school cases, but I continue to argue that technology is usually the vehicle, not the driver. Therefore, banning it doesn’t address the underlying problem of poor behaviour. To tackle that, we need to separate the motive from the mechanism.

It was ever thus. In 370BC, scholars believed that a new-fangled thing called “writing” was making people stupid (ironically, we know this today because their views were written down). In 1888, the new trend of reading things called “novels” was called a “mischief” and likened to the perils of drinking. In the Fifties, society anguished over teenagers’ addiction to the newfangled telephone. By the Seventies, “evidence” purported to show that watching television caused brain damage. Then computers arrived, and reputable educators were warning that teaching children to program them would create a “culture of psychopaths” for a “meagre job market” (that was in 1984, so maybe George Orwell was right?). The point being that human history is awash with examples of new technologies being catastrophised. Yet technology is neither intrinsically good nor bad. It is agnostic. In truth, most technologies are simply amplifiers of existing human behaviour. Texting can spread a bully’s poison further, but it can equally broaden the reach of a Good Samaritan.

Fortunately, the College’s response to emerging technologies is not governed by media hysteria. Instead, we are guided by research and evidence-based studies. Staff stay abreast of the latest research into the impact of digital technology, and our practices are guided by science, not scaremongering. For example, a seminal report in the highly-regarded scientific journal Nature recently detailed a meta-analysis of the impacts of a wide range of factors on adolescent mental health. When it came to digital technology use, they found only a fractionally negative association with a child’s wellbeing. So small, in fact, that the consumption of potatoes rated as having an almost worse impact.

The door of scientific evidence swings both ways though. We are also quick to share with students the findings of a National Academy of Sciences study that confirmed that social media use is not, in and of itself, a strong predictor of life satisfaction across the adolescent population. Yet the Black Dog Institute’s excellent webinar on research into teenage screen use evidenced the benefit of online apps in promoting positive peer connection, fostering emotional regulation, and offering easy access to communities, support, and information. To return to the analogy, technology is merely an amplifier. Turning it off doesn’t make for a better musician. Dial it down by all means, but it is only by correcting the underlying poor playing that we achieve greater harmony.

Back to the root of the problem then. There is no place for misogyny in our society, just as there should be no tolerance for sexism, racism, or any other form of exclusion or abusive conduct. Identifying and challenging it must always be our mission. By “our” I mean both teachers and parents, because there was one other important element in the recent cases of misogyny and online abuse that was perhaps a little overlooked by the media scrutiny and public discourse last term. Namely, that most of the offending occurred outside of the schools that the students attended. Usually in the privacy of a young person’s home or bedroom. The schools concerned copped the brunt of outrage for allowing a toxic culture to exist on their campus, yet the behaviours mainly emanated elsewhere.

Which is not to try and shift the blame; schools have a moral and legal responsibility to educate young people to be civil, respectful citizens. We also have a unique opportunity to do so, using their attendance on our campus to model inclusion and call-out unacceptable behaviours and ideologies. But parents and close family members have equal, if not greater influence. And that means accepting that difficult conversations sometimes need to be had. It is infinitely easier to complain about cell phones, or agonise over AI, than it is to sit a young man down and talk about pornography.

Indeed, pornography is a great example of how best to tackle issues that are exacerbated, but not caused, by technology. Firstly, there is no point in tiptoeing around the facts. Research clearly shows that viewing pornography is strongly associated with the sexual objectification of women. And a 2024 Australian study showed more than 52% of men and 32% of women had reported viewing pornography by age 14. Hence, it is an issue teachers and parents should confront early. We could blame the internet and portable digital devices for increasing that exposure, but does that address the underlying need for education about respect for women?  Trying to introduce age verification technology for adult websites is laudable but, in reality, would be nearly impossible to police. Teenagers are hard-wired to be both curious and creative; they will ferret out ways around it. The same is true for recent calls to age-restrict social media accounts.  Even the nation’s e-Safety Commissioner, Julie Inman Grant, has said that she does not support the proposal because of the fear it may push children online in secret.  What we must do, teachers and parents united, is be ready to talk about the content rather than the container.

The College Captains did a good job in reassuring me that misogyny and sexist attitudes are not prevalent at St Leonard’s. However, it would be hubris to believe that we are immune. That is why, amidst the usual busyness of the past term, senior staff responded to the national media focus on other schools by redoubling our efforts to deliver programs to promote respectful relationships and the appropriate use of digital technologies when young people are in our care. As the holidays commence and parents have a little more time than usual to spend in their children’s company, I would encourage seizing those moments in the same way. By all means, try and adjust the frequency of screen time. But also take the opportunity to discuss which of your child’s beliefs and behaviours are being amplified by the technology they use. It is only by taking an interest in their online life that you can help to tone down discord and turn up virtue.

By Peter Clague, St Leonard’s College Principal

*Those interested in some of the research referenced above can find them here:

The Black Dog Institute Webinar (PDF Transcript)

Social Media Age Restrictions Article – Safety Commissioner Comments

Social Media Bans Articles 

Education Matters Article 1

Education Matters Article 2

The Educator Online Article

However, this particular conversation wouldn’t be about the usual things we discuss, like what time my niece’s basketball game was, how I could buy tickets for my nephew’s school production, or what we should buy mum for her birthday. I was ringing to ask whether he had discussed consent and pornography with his kids. Just as I suspected he had thought about it and felt that it was time to have the conversation, but felt totally unequipped to start.

He isn’t alone in this. Research by the eSafety commissioner shows that 77% of parents see themselves as responsible for providing education in the home around consent and pornography, yet less than half that figure reported actually having the conversation.

For young children in our care, conversations around consent and respectful relationships go hand in hand with supporting wellbeing. Talking about consent with children when they are young, lays the groundwork for more positive social behaviours and helps them to make safe, responsible decisions.

This week the government launched an important campaign called ‘Consent Can’t Wait’. It aims to promote healthy relationships with a suite of practical resources to help everyone talk about consent. You can find the consent conversation guides here, which give practical advice for talking about consent with people of all different ages, but most importantly, young people.

Starting early with these conversations, however small they may be, can work to positively shape the attitudes of young people, and influence how they conduct themselves when faced with challenging situations. Below is a list of practical tips from the website around how to have those difficult conversations;

• Plan for the conversation – what do you want to say? How do you want to say it?

• Check that the time is right – do you or they have to be anywhere? Is anyone tired or distracted?

• Ensure you have privacy – can you be overheard or interrupted?

• Some kids prefer not to be looking at you, so going for a drive, sitting side by side on the couch, or taking a walk may be appropriate.

• Approach without judgment and ask questions – the discussion will be more successful if you listen, show empathy, and relate to what they are saying.

• Ask your child questions – what do they already know about consent? How do they feel about it?

• Provide feedback – gently correct any misinformation and pose alternative views.

• Answer their questions as best you can and get back to them if you don’t know something.

• Use books, movies and TV shows as examples.

• Keep discussions short and frequent rather than one or two long sessions.

This is a shared responsibility for all community members, parents and schools together. Currently, a key area of focus in my role as Head of Wellbeing is to understand all of the work being done in this space across the College, and to explore further ways to support the young people in our care.

Here are some further resources to assist with having hard conversations with young people at home;

• eSafety commissioner – The Hard to Have Conversations

• Raising children – Consent and sexual consent, talking with children and teenagers

By Emily Price, St Leonard’s College Head of Wellbeing

As a leadership group, our Year 12 leaders pride themselves on setting a positive example, continuing to build the culture within our College and speaking up when they have messages they feel need to be shared. At our most recent Senior School assembly, Emily C and Harry N spoke to all Year 10, 11 and 12 students about the need for all students to respect each other, in light of the recent issues with violence against women. The fourteen College Captains and House Captains joined Emily and Harry on stage during their speeches, to stand united behind the messages of respect. We are incredibly proud of their passion for creating a culture of respect at the College.

Parts of Emily’s and Harry’s speeches are included below.

Harry

How good is this school? Athletics days, student leaders, house events. This school has everything from music, to chess, to drama. But most importantly it has kind people. Devoted teachers. It’s easy to forget how lucky we are here at St Leonard’s, and I think that it’s important to take a step back every once and a while. To reflect, and to appreciate. So, on behalf of your Year 12 leaders, I encourage all of you here to reflect on how you interact with yourself, and how you interact with others.

We know that your actions can shape a person’s life for the better. I’ve seen you supporting each other in the halls, whether it’s through a hug, a joke, or simply being with one another. I know that our community looks out for one another and helps other people up and today, all of your College leaders are here on stage to show you how much this means to us. We want to continue the culture of courage, care, and connection here at St Leonard’s.

This room is filled with kind people who care deeply for one another. And for that, I want to congratulate all of you. We have carried ourselves well so far this year. My final message for you is to take care. Take care of yourself; reach out if you need to. Take care of one another. And finally, take care of what you say and how you act.

Emily

I feel very lucky to have many great male friends at St Leonard’s who are respectful, trustworthy, safe and that I have great respect for. However, I know that the issue of violence against women that has been in the media recently is not happening in another state, another city, another suburb. It’s happening in our community, and we need to open the conversation. Although it may sound harsh, it’s important to hear the experts who say that negative comments can indicate worrying beginnings of a superior attitude that can signal a potential for future intimate-partner violence.

Many young people fail to understand, or forget, that their words, ‘jokes’, and actions are not like balloons that are casually put out into the world and will just float away. They stick like a virus to the people they affect. People carry these criticisms, abuse, ratings. They hold them in their souls. The insults, comments, nicknames. They follow people for a lifetime.

The people who are making these comments believe their words are temporary. Meaningless. In the moment. They may pass them off as a joke. They may reserve the right to change their mind. They’re afraid to be held to account. But when those comments are released into the world, they are not like balloons that float away. They are viruses, they spread, fester and your intention is irrelevant.

Before you join the charismatic bully who is putting these abusive comments into the world – before you emulate them – stop and think about your values. Think about your 5-year-old self and what you hoped for. Then think about your 35-year-old self. Maybe when you’re 35 you might be a parent, part of a work team, part of a community. You might have daughters, nieces, peers, or a partner that you care about. What will your values be? Who are you? Will you be proud of how you followed the crowd or treated others when you were 16, 17 or 18? Will you be proud of your jokes and the way you related to women? 

Do not allow your ego, desire to be “the funny one” or need for social inclusion let you forget the real person who is on the receiving end, who is just like you, and deserves to be here just as much as you. Everyone has their own lives, and their own feelings. And if you make a mistake, you apologise straight away. You pull it out of the world. You take accountability. And you change.

Abuse is a learned behaviour. So, I urge you, to be careful what you consume through social media, pornography, media and think about it. Ask “does this align with my values?” And most importantly, as the Senior School, we have a responsibility, and opportunity to be positive role models for the younger year levels.

As I said, I am proud to say that I have many friends at our school with me who are kind, respectful and that I trust. But to be that person, you must reflect often. Hold yourself to a high standard. Let us be strong, educated women who fight for respect. Let us be strong, respectful men who will constantly strive to be the safe, humble and noble men that Australian society needs.

We know that to make change it requires consistent advocacy, lobbying and calling it out and that’s what we can do as a St Leonard’s community.

Recognise it. Learn what it looks like. Call it out. Be the change.

By John Moore, St Leonard’s College Head of Senior School